The Shift
I write. A lot. The only way I can pour it all out. The only way I can sit with it. Look at it in the eye. Face it. Slow and painful.
That being said, I write mostly when I'm overwhelmed. With feelings. Of insecurity, fear, hate; melancholic for the most part. That's what I've been posting. But I'm not only that. I am so much more. I'm growing, learning, loving and feeling. This is a shift. All I'd written is in the past. Hell, what I've been writing has already become a thing of the past. I'm always evolving.
I know where I come from. I know what I used to be and how far I've come. I'm looking forward to more beginnings still. I'm only 20. And age is really just a number. You notice changes. You see yourself getting old. Your features maturing. And that scares you. That scares me. My body is only a vessel. A very personal belonging I share a deep connection with. Something that has allowed me to feel. The earth, the winds, the rivers and will the seas.
I see myself as a figure of energy. Purple, pink, blue, red. Yellow, green, orange if I want. There's nothing I don't believe I can't be or can't have. Life is a game and it's in my favor. I'm playing the game and I'm just getting started.
I've always known. I'm different. I'm rare. In my own head for the best. But I can shake myself out of it when I get in too deep. I've figured it out now. Me, take good care of yourself. Don't let yourself spiral. Grab yourself before you sink. You are enough. What you've got is enough. And I'm really truly grateful. The friends, the family, the exposure, the opportunities. I'm made for so much more. I'm glad I've found what I love. A lot on my plate. A full course meal. But man I can't complain. Cause my goal is to eat.
I'm too greedy. I want the best of all worlds. Not someone who's to be bound. I'm gonna taste it all. Wins, losses, bitter, sour, bring it all. Maybe that's my sin. But is it greed or gluttony? We'll find out.
Thursday, I went out. Wearing a dress, short, with heels, exposed legs. Something I was not comfortable in at all. I wore the dress. I felt good. Damn I looked good. But I froze when it was time to go out. Had to give myself a pep talk. "I can wear what I fucking want. I will wear what i fucking want." (Something I've found that works is "Have the audacity of a man." Then I channel B*** sir. A teacher who I thought would intimidate me but turns out we made a good team. I like him.) Suddenly I felt a shift. After I shook myself out of that numbness, I was hit with a breath of fresh air. Suddenly, I was a sadist. Wanted to torture myself. Wanted to make myself uncomfortable. Just for the fun of it. And I walked. Right out the fucking door. Right through my grandparents asking them how I looked. You know old people. Especially from here. And I fucking loved it. The adrenaline? Not really, but ecstasy. Yes. I cracked the code.
This is really a letter to myself. I am that girl. For me. And that's all that matters.