On Exaggeration
You think you've opened up to someone, later you realise you're not that person at all. Everything was an exaggeration. That feeling of being an alien. That feeling you're no longer human. Well, you've never been. You tell them you've never felt human. Never felt normal. But you don't tell them why. You don't tell them you held yourself back from those experiences. That you're the reason you're not normal.
Something I realised again after a long time. Maybe remembered. I hike(d) with a group. New and old faces. When we stop or gather around, I keep myself out, I consciously go further away. Cause I don't feel like I belong there. I've already made an assumption. I'm not a part of the group. I'm an outsider. I failed to remember half of the people didn't know each other. But they were willing to. Whilst I stood outside the circle believing I couldn't get between their "bond".
I almost feel embarassed trying to impress new people. We do want them to like us, so I'm using the word "impress". I don't have trouble talking to new people or making friends. In fact I love talking to fresh faces. But not in a group level. I love one-on-one talks the most. Since childhood, I've been alone or only a member of a small group. I didn't grow up doing group activities, so I guess I'd be called shy? But I'm not shy. Even in group settings, I never had to go up to people to come talk to me or sit with me (or maybe I never did cause I was a shy kid back then), but people came to me. I believed I was a 'queen-bee' or sum lol. I really did. But yeah, I'm definitely not a follower. But when I'm the one leading the group, things are different. I'm almost the most confident person you'll ever see. I just don't do well when it's a friend group and no one has titles. Guess I'm sensitive to power a person holds. The reason I don't feel/want to be active in friend groups is because I'm not sure what position I hold. Who is highly valued? And converse. Which now that I realise is a toxic mindset. I will need to work on this. I've lost many opportunities because of this.
Makes me think, do I really know what it means to have a friend? Or be one? I will keep this in mind the next time I feel this way. Let's try.